it was best to set sails for seven seas or buy second eye patch.

...even walking the plank and end up eaten by sharks, but fortunately for him...

...the unenticing booty actually belonged to Zena, the Witch of Ambiguous Moral Standing, someone he had spent a lot of time with in his were-kitten days.

He had spent a lot of time with Zena in his were-kitten days because as his mother, she had in fact raised him to be the were-cat we know today.

No one could win her at grog drinking competitions or master better the sacred art of "Yarrrr".

But, with his pirate education he obtained in the years since, he knew that he could win a spelling contest with every pirate's favorite letter- "R".

All this sounded nice and butterflies......but....there was a little someone that everyone seemed to forget, a little scoundrel from Threep "Were-cat" Wood´s past, that wouldn´t let this may-be-piratey romance be fulfilled.....someone.....that went solely by his nick......."J".

Now, Nick J was famous for eating meat pies...

Little did he know, though, that the one he was about to eat was an American Pie...

* edited for grammar, should be in past tense.

so there was absolutely no meat in the pie nor was any ever inside it because Americans only eat sweet fruit and/or sugar based pies for some reason.

Nick bit into the pie and...

got a nasty virus...

on his computer.

that was implemented in his brain by the aliens

And the alien was a large breasted woman in a leather corset who eventually swooped him away on a flying hippo.